


I'll Carry You With Me (Always)

by NightValeian



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Ashes Scene in Avengers: Infinity War Part 1, Bucky Barnes Returns, Character Death Fix, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Steve Rogers Feels, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Tears
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-08
Updated: 2018-05-08
Packaged: 2019-05-03 21:02:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14577588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightValeian/pseuds/NightValeian
Summary: !!!!! INFINITY WARS SPOILERS !!!!!The necklace he wore sometimes felt more like a weight than a memento.It wasn’t that heavy at all, really. It was a simple lightweight chain with a single dog tag and one lone bullet attached. Stamped into the dog tag were the credentials for Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th and the bullet was made up of all that was left of him.





	I'll Carry You With Me (Always)

**Author's Note:**

> So, if you're like me and hurting over IW...Well, I apologize. 
> 
> This fic is based off [this art!](https://al4thea.tumblr.com/post/173351560899/the-most-painful-goodbyes-are-the-ones-that-are)

The necklace he wore sometimes felt more like a weight than a memento.

It wasn’t that heavy at all, really. It was a simple lightweight chain with a single dog tag and one lone bullet attached. Stamped into the dog tag were the credentials for Sargent James Buchanan Barnes of the 107th and the bullet was made up of all that was left of him.

It had been a year since the Avengers lost the battle to Thanos and half of the Earth’s population with it. A year of mourning the losses they had suffered, a year of gathering whoever was left and trying to devise a new plan of action.

It had been a year, but Steve Rogers remembered it like it was yesterday.  

* * *

 

Steve remembered leading the defense during the attack on Wakanda, fighting aliens that had thrown themselves through a protective barrier in a ravenous attempt to slaughter them. He remembered fighting with the team,  _his_  team, at his side and starting to see the end of the battle before Thanos appeared.

Thanos with his raw, unbridled power from the Infinity Stones and his ability to smash through their defenses as if they were nothing. Anything they threw at him, he threw it back with twice as much force until they were all laying bruised and bloodied in the middle of a clearing.

Steve doesn’t remember Thanos taking the Mind Stone from Vision’s head, but the blow that had been delivered to his face moments earlier by that large purple fist had his ears ringing and his eyesight blurring.

By the time he had regained his senses, it was over. 

Thanos had snapped his fingers and disappeared, but nothing had changed.

At least…

_“Steve?”_

It had all happened so fast. Steve turned towards the source of the voice and before he could even ask what was wrong, why he sounded so afraid, he could only watch as Bucky Barnes collapsed into a pile of ash on the ground.

Steve couldn’t remember much after that point.

He remembered walking towards the pile with heavy footsteps as if there were weights in his boots and sinking to his knees once he was beside it. His fingers shook as he reached out, watching the ashes crumble so easily under his touch and feeling his heart  _ache_ with loss.

_Steve?_

Had he told him he loved him before the battle or had he been so confident that they would win that he thought it could wait? Had Bucky known he loved him? Had he told him enough times since he had come out of cryo?

How many times would Bucky die with Steve just out of his reach?

Steve wanted to cry, he wanted to join the chorus of mournful screams that echoed from the battlefield, but he couldn’t.

He had to be strong, that’s what being a leader was, being strong.

Captain Steve Rogers straightened his shoulders and stood. 

He didn't look back.

* * *

In the following weeks, Steve avoided thinking about Bucky. He buried himself in meetings, in reconnecting with the members of the team that had been scattered across the universe and trying to figure out a plan of attack.

If he started to think about Bucky, he just wasn’t working hard enough.

He rarely slept and when he did, it never gave him satisfaction. He was plagued by nightmares; some were just watching Bucky to turn to ash before his eyes, others were of Bucky falling from the train. The ones that haunted him the most were the ones of Bucky simply standing in front of him, whispering his name.

_Steve?_

Everyone noticed he was struggling, but no one said anything. They were all going through grief in their own ways and they were all a bit guilty of pushing their mourning aside in favor of working. Tony, for one, had been working non-stop since they managed to bring him to Wakanda alongside Bruce and Shuri, trying to see if they could find any answers or if the process of being turned to ash by the Infinity Gauntlet was in any way reversible.

It wasn’t.

Clint, on the other hand, had completely shut down. His entire family had been taken from him in front of his eyes and then when he’d come to Wakanda, Natasha had informed him that Wanda was gone too. Steve hadn’t been there when she told him, he didn’t want to be. Wanda was practically family to the Barton’s after Sokovia, another daughter, they all knew he wouldn’t take it well.

They just didn’t think it would shatter him.

Clint was gone in a week, on his mission of his own. No one knew what it was or where he had gone. 

He returned two months later with Captain Carol Danvers and the beginnings of a plan to destroy Thanos.

* * *

The bullet arrived in an envelope that had been personally delivered by Princess Shuri herself. She began by apologizing as he it, explaining that she had wanted to give it to him sooner but it had taken her a while to figure out just how to bring her idea to life.

The bullet, she explained, was crafted from the ash that Bucky had left behind when he’d left this world. She had done her best to collect everyone from where they had fallen shortly after the battle and shape them into trinkets, so they could be returned to their loved ones in some way since there were no bodies to bury. Shuri herself was wearing a new pendant around her neck in the shape of a panther’s claw and Steve didn’t have to ask to know that it was her brother held so close to her heart.

Shuri had attached the bullet to a chain for him, so he could do the same if he wished.

Steve held the bullet in his palm like it were still a bit of ash that would crumble under his touch. He cradled it so carefully, running his thumb across the smooth surface. 

It was Bucky, but it wasn’t Bucky.

Maybe it would be enough.

He thanked her for her thoughtfulness, slipped the chain over his head and got back to work.

* * *

Steve wore that necklace every day. He never once took it off. When he was in uniform, he kept the trinket tucked under his armor, so it was pressed to his chest, safe and secure. When he was out of uniform, it laid on his chest exposed just over his heart, reminding the world of what he’d lost and what exactly he was fighting for.

On the nights Steve couldn’t sleep, he would hold it between his fingers and close his eyes. It was just ash, just ash and virbranium, but it was still his Bucky. It was still a piece of him that he could hold onto.

On nights like that, he could almost hear his voice, feel his touch, see his smile.

On nights like that, it was almost like he wasn't even gone.

* * *

In the end, the Captain killed Thanos.

Captain Marvel not Captain America.

Carol Danvers was the one who delivered the final blow.

She was also the one who took hold of the Infinity Gauntlet and willed the universe back to the way it had been before Thanos had taken control.

At first, nothing changed.

Then…

“Clint?”

Wanda.

Wanda was suddenly standing right there beside them as if she hadn’t disappeared an entire year ago right before their eyes. Her face expressed her confusion as she looked around, noticing the additions to the team that hadn’t been there on the battlefield before and how they weren’t even in Wakanda anymore.

Before she could ask where exactly they were or even what had happened, Clint had his arms around her, crushing the girl to him with so much force Steve thought he would break her. Though she didn’t protest, instead choosing to hug him back with just as much force.

“Mr. Stark! Mr. Stark!”

Steve turned towards the source of the voice.

“I’m back, Mr. Stark!”

Peter didn’t hesitate to throw his arms around Tony’s middle and Steve watched as Tony wrapped his arms around that kid like he was the most precious thing in the world.

“Damn. I really missed you, kid.”

One by one, those they had lost were returned to them.

Rocket, the talking raccoon from space, was thrilled to see his entire team of Guardians returned to him, especially the tree known as Groot.

Shuri was near tears when T’Challa appeared, throwing herself into his arms, and though Okoye didn’t move to embrace him, Steve could see the tears on her face.

Sam returned as well and surprisingly the first person who pushed through the crowd to greet him was Rhodey.

Steve looked around, a small smile on his face while his shoulders sagged in exhaustion.

They’d done it, they’d won. They saved the universe and brought everyone back.

Well, almost everyone.

His hand went up to the bullet that hung from the chain around his neck, wrapping his fingers around it. Steve swallowed with some difficulty, closing his eyes.

He should have known the universe wouldn’t be fair.

_“Steve?”_

And now the universe was mocking him.

“Don’t do this to me. Not now.”

“Steve?”

“Please. Please just leave me alone.”

It was a cruel trick for his mind to play on him.

“I just come back and you want me to leave? Ouch.”

“What?”

Steve opened his eyes and turned, the frown on his face slowly morphing into a look of surprise.

“Bucky?”

* * *

“What’s this?”

After the battle, the Avengers said farewell to their new allies and returned to Wakanda to recover. It wasn't Brooklyn by any means, but going back to Brooklyn meant cleaning up the aftermath in New York and none of them had the strength for it now. Clint took Wanda and Natasha home to the family, Tony took Peter back to his aunt, and Bucky brought Steve to the little hut that he called home. 

Steve hadn’t taken the necklace off because of habit, but now that he was out of uniform, it was out in the open and Bucky had seen it.

“Oh. It’s…your ashes.”

“My ashes?”

Steve swallowed, sinking down into a sitting position on the edge of the bed. Bucky stood in front of him, head cocked slightly to the side with a curious frown playing on his lips.

“Princess Shuri made it from your ashes after…you know.”

“And you wore it. All this time.”

Steve closed his eyes.

“I thought I could still be with you. Even though…”

His chest grew tight and he struggled to suck in a breath. His face grew hot and his eyes started to burn.

“E-Even though…”

Bucky hesitated for only a moment before he leaned down, draping his arms over Steve’s shoulders and down his back, pressing a very gentle kiss to the top of his head.

“Oh, Steve…”

Steve’s shoulders shook with a year’s worth of anguish. A year’s worth of grief. He thought losing Bucky the first time would be the worst pain he’d ever felt in his entire life, but to get him back, to fall in love with him and helplessly watch as he was taken from him again?

“Sweetheart…”

Steve was sobbing, hands coming up to clutch at the fabric of Bucky’s shirt, pulling him as close as he could manage. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d cried, especially not like this. He didn’t even know why he was crying, really. Bucky was back, he had no reason to cry anymore, but he just couldn’t stop.

“Let it out…It’s alright.”

It wasn’t alright. He hadn’t cried the whole time Bucky had been gone, so why was he crying now that he was back? What if it made Bucky feel bad? Why did he keep ruining everything?

“Steve, look at me.”

Steve sniffed, withdrawing so he could look up at Bucky’s face. Bucky didn’t seem mad, he didn’t even seem upset at the sight of Steve’s emotional breakdown. He looked concerned even as he calmly wiped the tears from Steve’s face with the calloused thumb of his flesh hand.

“I’m here.”

Bucky’s voice was so calm, soothing, as if he were talking to a spooked animal and Steve could only stare up at him with wide eyes, taking in the reality of his words.

“I ain’t leaving you again, baby, you hear me? Never again.”

That old Brooklyn accent slipped through and Steve laughed shakily, secretly delighted to hear it. Bucky rarely let that old side of him show, but when he did it took Steve back to a better time. A time when there were no aliens hellbent on destroying the Earth, a time when it was just Steve and Bucky in a tiny flat in the middle of Brooklyn.

Bucky’s hands moved to his neck, taking the chain of his necklace between his fingers and began to lift it over his head. Steve’s hand shot up suddenly, grabbing onto the bullet that dangled at the end and held it protectively, staring at him in alarm. 

“Don’t.”

He couldn’t take it off. Who knew what would happen if he took it off?

“Stevie…”

Would Bucky disappear again? Would the world end? Would it all be a dream?

“Don’t!”

“Listen to me. I will still be here when you take it off.”

Steve blinked, Bucky sighed.

“I promise you. I will still be here, okay?”

“Bucky…I can’t…”

“Yes, you can. Trust me.”

Steve closed his eyes tightly, sucking in a deep breath. 

“I trust you.”

Steve was still as Bucky gently lifted the chain up and over his head, discarding it on the side table with a soft clink of metal on metal

For a moment, there was nothing but silence and Steve was afraid to open his eyes.

“Steve?”

A hand brushed over his hair, down the side of his face.

"Stevie?

Steve opened his eyes and he smiled, shoulders sagging with relief.

“Bucky.”

**Author's Note:**

> Haaaaa. I'm sorry. 
> 
> Like it?  
> Lemme knoooow.


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